Green grass, blue sky, brown earth.
I am safe here, yes, I am safe.
But I see it out the corner of my eye:
A flash of white through the shadows,
a ghost that whispers, beckons--
I'm going to be late--
Too late.
You're too late.
A hole in the base of a rotting tree
sucks me in, swallows me, breathes.
I can feel something underneath me:
miles and miles deep in the darkness,
watching, waiting, tasting.
Something is breathing--
I'm falling forever,
Hanging from a dead tree.
Have a drop of poison tea,
leaving nothing but a smile in the dark.
Whispered words and shrieking songs:
we are all mad here.
Off with her head--
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I liked the poem because it describes things
one thing I did notice was you wrote
maybe putting and of between out and the so that it reads
this would just help it make a little but more sense to me, overall though it was great.
Cheers! Let's get to business, shall we. I'm on a phone, so it's tough to use references, but I'll try to be specific.
The imagination you offer to the reader is frankly colorful, I even have a feeling it is influenced by Asian mentality (And mind you, I'm from Asia). You offer interesting pictures, even though they are quite abstract or complex to imagine ( The interpretation will probably vary ). However, it was a bit rough to swallow your verses, I didn't really go with a set flow or rhythm, so I ended up reading it like prose. I think giving your poems better flow would enhance the magic of imagination and make it all the more worthy reader's attention and memory.
Good luck,
Shinda~
I really enjoyed this poem. Maybe it is because I am obsessed with Alice and Wonderland but I truly do think that it is well written. I am eager to see your future posts.